It had to be around 2001ish. I had broken up with the man who I moved to California with, the man who I had spent about six years of my life with. We had de-evolved into a strange incestuous-type mode…the type of relationship that’s more about existing together instead of feeding each other’s fire. And if there’s one thing in this world that I refuse to do, it’s stay in a relationship that’s void of fire.
The strange thing about me and Dave was that we were best of friends. I mean, we did move across the country together. His brother lived with us and, at a few points, some of his college friends lived with us as well. I got used to being the queen bee of the hive and I liked it that way. They were my men. By my men, I mean they were my besties who I looked after. All men need a little looking after. Some more than others. But yeah, I played the wing man, I cooked meals, I even partook in strange shenanigans like swallowing spaghetti and then pulling it back up just to see if I could. You do things like that when you live with all guys.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget our break-up. We – by we I mean him, his brother and me – were at a Vietnamese restaurant. It was our first time there and we were noobs when it came to Vietnamese cuisine. To be honest, as shameful as it sounds, I didn’t even know what pho was back then. For shame, right? Dave and his brother Eric were great conversationalists. They were educated and they were thinkers. There was always some sort of topic that we would debate for hours…something like who are the true affluent people of the world: the ultra wealthy banking types or aboriginals living in the jungle. As a thinker myself, my brain was fed constantly by our chats. So, as we sat engrossed in a conversation about some new scientific discovery, I blurted out to even my own surprise, “So do you want to see other people?” Just like that. The conversation halted for a moment as we all breathed in the shock and then Dave simply said, “Yeah, that’s cool.” And that was that. We continued chatting, laughing and enjoying our virgin Vietnamese experience.
We all lived together for the next year. I moved into Eric’s bedroom and he moved onto the couch. To us, it seemed normal. To others, not so much. I wasn’t really interested in dating. To be truthful, I was much more interested in going out to see bands with friends. To me, there was nothing better than going to The Casbah to see a local punk rock band play. Seriously, nothing better. Sometimes though, late at night, I would get bored. So bored as a matter-of-fact that I would visit chat rooms. Now, take into consideration that this was way before Facebook. Way before Myspace even. So, when I say chat board, I’m talking old school. There was no real connectedness. You didn’t know anyone as there was no page for pics and bios. Now you can come to your own conclusions as to what I was doing on there. Let’s be real though, shall we. People have needs. Anyways, I met someone from San Francisco. He was pretty cool. We liked a lot of the same bands and he had that whole rockabilly thing going on that I was really into at the time. Don’t judge me. But yes it’s true. At one point in my life, I did think the pompadour was sexy.
Chatting turned into phone conversations pretty quick. Now, mind you, I was going along with the whole thing not really knowing what exactly I was getting caught up into. He, on the other hand, had apparently fallen under the thrall of the dark princess. Not my fault. The time soon came that he wanted to meet me in person. Sure. Why not? What could possibly go wrong with meeting a complete stranger who your gut is telling you to not meet because you feel like he might be a little in love? But, if you know me, you know that making good choices isn’t something I’m good at. On the contrary, I’m terrible at them. So, sure. Come on down to San Diego. It will be fun.
I walked into the San Diego airport to meet him at the gate. Remember when you could do that…pre-9/11 airport conduct to meet your party at the gate? Gone are those days. He got off the plane and I immediately felt the awkwardness between us. There was no chemistry. None. Not one atom, neutron, proton. Nothing firing! And so I was stuck to entertain a man who I knew only from a chat room and from the phone. Good going, Ellen. Way to drive yourself right into awkward town. Luckily it was only one weekend. What could possibly go wrong?
We did the San Diego experience. I took him to Balboa Park, to my favorite Indian restaurant and to get tattoos. He wanted matching tattoos. I’m not even kidding. He did. We sat at Avalon 2 and he tried to convince me that having matching tattoos would commemorate our time together. I was throwing up in my brain. Seriously? Matching tattoos? Ummm, yeah, I don’t do that. I don’t remember what he got. I got a Chinese character symbolizing ‘to seek.’ Yeah, that’s me alright. Always seeking.
I’m not too sure at what point the ring got pulled from his pocket. It was a silver ring with a punk rock look and a yellow stone. He got down on his knee so that his pompadour was at belly-button height and he asked me to marry him. Wow. Ya know, I get myself into some doozies but that might have been the dooziest of all the doozies. I literally had no idea what to say. What do you say to that? I mean, I barely knew him and all I knew after meeting him was that I couldn’t wait for him to get on the plane and to go back to San Francisco. Holy Batman! So I did what any level-headed person would do…I said yes. I can almost hear you all judging me now as you’re reading this. Go ahead. I’m judging myself as well. I didn’t know what to do. Really, I didn’t! So, as my “fiance” got on the plane to go home, I was mentally preparing to tell him that we weren’t going to be getting married. Poor guy. He had no idea what was about to hit him.
I knew I had to do it quick. I couldn’t carry on like that. It was wrong. I knew it and I knew what a douche bag I was being by allowing him to think that I was going to be his bride. I made the call that week and broke the news that I didn’t want to get married. He took it as you can imagine. He called and wrote e-mails incessantly. I never responded. I simply disappeared from his life. I think we can all agree on my level of ass holery at this point. But, come on, a marriage proposal was a tad reeee-dick, don’t you think?
Sometimes, when I add up all of my misfortunes – and there’s been many – I wonder if I’m being cosmically punished for hurting that man. When I feel myself slipping into beating heart mode, I hold back because I know that soon enough the cosmic butt hurt will be dealt to me. Though love has reared it’s head in my life, even going so far as to save my life, I am absent of love. It seems as though I’m easy to love and even easier to walk away from. But hey, that’s what I get for being a douche, right? And so, John, if you happen to stumble upon this, I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.